Gooseberried

If you're gone for a long time, you forget about blogging

Well obviously I've been a bit absent from this neck of the woods known as my blog.  I've been at my parents' house for the past two weeks in Heber-Overgaard, Arizona which is also coincidentally the small, Mormon town where I'm from.  You can imagine the excitement that stems from being there for the holidays for as long as I was, which I've now realized was a huge mistake.  Next time, I'm staying for a week max and I can't say my parents will be sad to read that last statement.  I think my mother and I seriously drove each other insane.  She and I have so much in common that we severely and regularly annoy the shit out of each other.  I felt like I was in high school all over again except now I'm older and wiser and have realized that all those fights back then weren't just because I was a bitchy teenager, but because my mom can be a bitchy teenager too. 

I also discovered that my parents and I have vastly different views on things such as: politics, world issues, charity, religion, etc. so a lot of arguments about these topics were had.  Not to mention, my parents started calling my dog Obama instead of Bowie because she's half black, half white and every time she came in from outside, her paws were filled with mud and my parents were terrified the mud was going to ruin their brand new carpet they just had installed.  They said that Bowie is muddying up their world just like Obama is and so because of that and Bowie's eclectic race, she should be labeled Obama instead.  This situation was actually kind of funny when I really look at it.

I guess I should note that the title of this post isn't exactly true; I did remember the blogosphere. But I honestly didn't feel like using my parents' gigantic computer which not only takes about an hour just to start up, but also doesn't have any of my photos or other cool things like that on it.  So, I decided to skip out on my participation in regular posting. 

Anyway, other than the above, the holidays were quite nice.  Santa was good to me this year and I'm looking forward to a new year.  Even though I had to reapply for food stamps and state health insurance at the end of 2009 which I thought would be no big deal because nothing about my life has changed since I was laid off.  I'm still laid off, still receiving unemployment, still going to school.  But the state decided to send me a letter this year stating that I make too much in unemployment money each week (shouldn't that be some kind of an oxymoron?) and as such, they reduced my monthly food stamp amount from $200 to $16 and as of February 1, 2010 I will no longer have state health insurance.  I'm glad the Department of Economic Security thinks I can live on $16 per month in food and thank god I got my knee fixed before this health insurance thing happened.  The food stamp thing doesn't bother me nearly as much as the health insurance.  I can make it work with having to purchase my own food.  It'll be harder to budget my unemployment money, yes, but I can make it work.  But I would like to have that health insurance in case I'm run over by a car or something which happened to three of my friends in 2009.  Ah, the drivers in Flagstaff.  I'm going to the DES office today to try and talk to them about this and I've just decided that maybe I'll go down there in baggy, smelly sweat pants and a white muscle tank and make myself look really haggard so they'll feel sorry for me.  Hmm...

So despite this unfortunate news, like I said, I'm looking forward to hopefully what will be a better year than 2009 was.  I've decided to participate in Project 365 this year which I've wanted to do in previous years but never had the courage.  Plus, there's a flickr photo group for the 365 project and all the people on there upload some wicked amazing photos taken with wicked amazing cameras and that in itself, intimidated me even more.  But now that I've got myself a wicked amazing camera, I'm going to try this project and try to remain fearless and hopeful that my photography will improve throughout the course of 2010. 

I'm also looking forward to being able to run again as soon as my knee heals fully and to get seriously back into yoga as well.  So, I didn't do one of those 'best of 2009' posts like everyone else did.  Whenever there's something that everyone else is doing in the blogosphere, it really deters me from participating just because everyone else is doing it.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's a way I can be a little more rebellious and add minor excitement to my somewhat normal life.  I'm like the emo girl of the blogosphere, you could say.  Especially with this post.  But either way, I did recap what I am looking forward to in 2010 so this post does have somewhat to do with the new year, right? 

Happy New Year.    

Stress level down maybe a fraction

Just a quick update on mi madre-

She's home as of yesterday which is good because now, she will be in the comfort of her own home.  She spent a total of 4 1/2 days in the hospital after her surgery and according to the doctor, he got every thing that was visible out of there.  He also cleaned up some scar tissue from the surgery she had from the first time she had cancer.  Unfortunately, they still want her to do chemotherapy in case there is anything microscopic.  I was really hoping she wouldn't need to endure chemo again, but I guess better safe than sorry. 

She has been improving slowly but surely every day.  She hasn't been wanting to eat much, but hopefully she'll have her appetite back soon.

More to come as time progresses.  I'm sorry to write such depressing things, but I need to keep myself updated so that I can also keep myself sane.

Thanks for listening!

Bad news

The cancer my mom had about a year and a half ago has decided to grow back.  She has two growths and surgery on Thursday to hopefully remove them or as much as they can remove.  I'm just hoping she won't have to undergo chemotherapy again.  It was really hard on her the last time and she's older now (sixty-nine) which will make it even more traumatic.  She's a tough lady, but there's only so much one person can handle. 

Since it's only been a little over two years, it seems this isn't going to stop happening.  She was already at stage 4 cancer when she was initially diagnosed, so that put her health in a bad position.  They weren't able to remove part of it that had already grown into her stomach which is too dangerous an area to operate on.  We were hoping that the chemo would take care of that though. 

Looks like we weren't that lucky.

Don't eww me

So, I know people hate posts like this.  Everyone seems to like the complaining and whining posts better than the happy, cloud 9 posts.  But I can't help it.  For one of the first times in my life, I can't complain about...ANYTHING!

1.  My family is so sweet and kind and they tolerate me when they don't always want to and that is what a selfless and humble family is about. 

2.  I love Flagstaff and I love my apartment.  I am so grateful that I live on my own and am completely independent of all financial help.  I can't believe I've come this far in only my early 20s. 

3.  My doggie is my best friend and I am more than content with that.  Her dogality is the cutest and everyone loves her.

4.  I love my job and I rock at it!  It's been great working with such fun people and getting to know all of them in turn.  The work is fun, the people are fun...can't complain.

5.  My friends are amazing.  They listen to me, they're there for me and I can't help but to appreciate what a great variety of personalities I have in them.  They are all so different that each of them brings a new and fresh perspective on so many situations I encounter.  It's really enlightening.  Plus, they watch my doggie for me when I have to leave town for a few days.  I'm spoiled.

6.  Finally, I have to mention my boyfriend even though I know you all hear about him often enough to feel like you know him personally.  But, he's the best!  He surprised me at work the other day with a coffee.  He supports me.  He helps me get through the tough times.  He stands up for me and encourages me to do the best I can.  He is one of the most remarkable people I've ever known and sometimes I feel like I couldn't live without him.  We've been together for a long time now and it always somehow feels new- never a dull moment.  The way it feels to kiss him is how I always want to feel.  Plus, he's so sexy and so hot.

I want to remember this point in my life always.  There's not much that can bring me down these days because everything else feels too petty and insignificant compared to the six things listed above. 

I have to say, life is good.       

Uncertain

On New Year's day, my dad turned 70-years-old.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's pretty damn old.  Most people think this has nothing to do with me, but more than you know, it does.  My parents are getting old and for as long as I can remember, this fact has held me back.  At this point in my life, I love my job, my friends, my boyfriend, my apartment.  Life has been so great lately that it's hard to imagine not living in Flagstaff.  But I know that someday I will want to move.  I've been here since college and my personal philosophy is that that's too long to be in one place while I'm still in my twenties.  In fact, I have no idea how some people live in the same place their whole lives.  To me, that would be incredibly boring. 

I have the desire to live in so many different places because honestly, I'm not a picky person.  But then I think to myself, what if I live 2,000 miles away and something happens to my parents?  It would make it that much harder to get home and be there for them.  What if the situation required me to take care of them for a little while?  And yes, I feel like I am the one that is meant to do that if it's needed.  I am so afraid that I'll be living this amazing life, having a great time and then suddenly I'll receive some awful phone call where I then have to find the next flight to Arizona.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to move away but...it's hard.  I often feel like my parents have been so great to me that it would be incredibly selfish to move away from them in what could be the last years of their life.  It's tough to say, but it's true.  I'm trapped between two sides of myself and my only happy medium is Flagstaff.   

Did you miss me?

I'll start this post off with informing you that my computer now has a mind of its own.  I had just turned it on, sat down at my desk and started writing a check when it suddenly decided to turn itself off.  I hadn't even touched or clicked anything.  It was just like, "Well, gotta go!" 

Weird.

So, Massachusetts was awesome.  The time off was awesome.  6-6's parents are awesome.  We were seriously spoiled rotten by them.  Breakfast was ready for us every morning.  Free dinners out, free dinners in.  His mom is a massage therapist and she took me down to her shop and gave me a professional massage for over an hour.  His sister is a cosmetologist and she gave me a haircut for free.  I'm telling you...we received the royal treatment so it was a bit difficult to come home. 

One of my favorite parts of the vacation was meeting Susie from Everyone Loves a Boston Girl.

I've never been to a blogger meet-up or conference like several of you have, so this was particularly exciting for me.  I'm sure you can tell by the expression on my face.  I think I knew Susie in another life or something, because it felt like we were already friends and knew everything about each other.  I guess that will happen when friendship stems from the blogosphere.  I think I've been reading about Susie's life for over a year now.

The second half of my time off was spent with my family for the holidays.  Thanksgiving is really the only time that my entire extended family gets together so I figured I better go and see how everyone was doing since the visit is so rare.  Needless to say, I was exhausted from my flight coming back so I think my family thought there was something very wrong with me since I was able to fall asleep sitting up on a couch in front of twelve loudly talking people.

At any rate, I'm back and ready to get back into the swing of things.  I finally finished the massive amounts of laundry I had to do.  My parents smoke so even though some of the clothes I packed weren't technically dirty, I had to wash them anyway because I can't stand the smell.  When I first walked into my parent's house, the smoke was incredibly overwhelming.  Then I kind of got used to it as days passed and then when I got back to Flagstaff, I realized I smelled like I had just taken a bath in a gigantic ashtray.

6-6 is graduating in a week and a half and I'm so excited for him.  I'm really excited to see his parents again too.  While I would never want to live with my own parents now that I've been out of their house for almost seven years now, I don't think I would mind living with 6-6's parents.  Maybe they wouldn't mind the idea of moving to Arizona permanently and living with me in my studio apartment...?    

On being a man

I don't know if it's just me, or if anyone else wonders this as well, but have you ever thought about what you would be like if you were of the opposite sex?  Like, what you would be like as a person?  In some ways, I feel like a guy already.  I have my girlie moments usually involving Glamour magazine, Sex and the City or when I'm talking about boys I am currently interested in.  Other than that though, all my guy friends tell me I'm pretty much a guy's mind in a woman's body which is one of the reasons why I have predominantly guys as friends anyway. 

But still, to actually be a male...  I wonder what that would be like.  When I think about this, I think of my brother.  Many people tell me that he and I look similar which makes me wonder, if I were a man who looked the same as my brother, would I have my personality, something similar to my brother's personality or an entirely different personality altogether?

From observing many many girls approach my brother, I get the sense he's quite good looking.  So, if I was a man and looked like my brother, I wonder if I would be as much of a horn dog as he is.  I picture myself in my brother's body in a bar with girls falling all over me.  Would I be one of those guys that's totally into it, like my brother?  Or would I have my personality and ignore them completely because of how picky I am?

Would I be a sociable, funny guy?  Or an awkward, shy one?  Would I be as ambitious as I am as a female?  Would my love of Glamour magazine be replaced with my love of, um, dirt bikes?  Yeah, bro!  Would I screw every girl in sight or be more of the relationship type?  It's weird to think of what you'd be into if you were of the opposite sex. 

Hopefully, I'd have a big penis at least.   

Not so simple

If there's one thing I know for sure, it is that I love Flagstaff with all my heart.  I've lived here for the past five, almost six, years and I've never been sick of it.  Especially because there are still places that I have yet to visit.  There are restaurants, bars and even whole areas that I have never even been to, which is feels a little pathetic.  I suppose every town or city is that way though. 

Despite my undying love for Flagstaff, lately I want nothing more than to just get the heck out of here.  I'm experiencing a very deep wanderlust which is causing me to practically think of nothing else.  I've been through this before but it was then that I was still in college and didn't really have any other choice but to stay here and complete my degree.  Now that my options are endless, so to speak, I feel like I should be doing more in my life.  There's this empty void that makes me think that I can't just stay here forever.  I need to get out and do something more.

With all these new feelings, I've been considering things that I may have briefly thought of before but never took seriously.  And some things are completely new developments in my mind.  I've been applying to jobs that would require me to move to New York City, not because I love NYC, but because that is the place where all my dream jobs exist.  And even though Chris, my British ex-boyfriend, and I broke up so long ago, I've never been able to rid my desire to live in England since.  Then I've heard of all these other things that people keep saying, "Michelle, you've gotta do this!"  Like, going to Mexico to work at an orphanage, or teaching English to people in Japan.  All these things are seeming absolutely fabulous to me.

So what's my problem?  Well, there's one thing that's holding me back, and that is my parents.  Not that my parents are saying "no" to all these things.  It's just the idea of living with out them that scares me.  I was adopted to them when I was so young which makes me very attached, and the fact that they have given me anything I've ever wanted, makes me feel bad to just up and leave them here.

I just can't help thinking that what if I move somewhere so far away and while I'm there I get a call from someone alerting me to the fact that one of them is about to pass?  I would feel so terrible if that occurred and I was too selfish to spend the last years of their life with them.  And of all my siblings, I know that I am the one who will have to take care of my parents once they get to the point that they can't take care of themselves and honestly, I wouldn't want anyone but me doing it.

I don't know if my dilemma is understandable at all, but I'm torn between my wants and what my parents, deep down, would want.         

A favorite

My Thanksgiving was fabulous!  Thanks for asking.  How was yours?  Did you travel?  Spend lots of time with the family?  Gain weight? 

Whatever you did, I hope your Thanksgiving was rad.  Now, go Christmas shopping whilst I procrastinate.

No, but in all seriousness...I'm here to talk about Thanksgiving.  This year, it was held at my brother's house in Cottonwood which I recently found out my brother wants to make a yearly tradition.  While I love my brother's house and hospitality, I think this is a ridiculous idea because his home is about the size of my pinky toe. 

Bowie and I drove the hour from Flagstaff to Cottonwood without any major, or even minor, setbacks.  She did surprisingly well for a 10 week old pup by which I mean, she slept the entire ride.  I thought she would at least whine for a little bit about being in a car moving faster than she can run, but nope.  Not even a peep.  I think she slipped a Vicodin before we left.

We arrived late, usual Michelle style, but once we got there everyone was immediately in love with Bowie, which I knew would happen because, who can resist a cute puppy?  Not even my stern Hungarian family can.  The food was delicious especially the dish I brought, the simplest of all possible dishes, the fruit salad.  I can now successfully cut fruit, y'all.

At any rate, Thanksgiving was good.  Family is good.  Lots of food is good. 

Picture time!

My Hungarian niece, Autumn and me.
jkl;

My brother's beautiful doggie, Sadie.  She's really fluffy.  Like, lion mane fluffy.
jkl;

My nephew, Jacob, and Bowie.  Jake was Bowie's biggest fan because he's always been this very loving little kid.  He's definitely a blue type personality.  He'll come up to you and give you this huge hug and a kiss on the cheek so intense that I swear it hurts him to do it.
jkl;

About half of the entire one side of the family in this photo.  We be Hungarian. 

And very brunette.

A general life update (I've never done one of these)

Work:

Corporate finally sent up some people to build le office. Loving it. We’re a Fortune 500 company and it only took them two months of me working here to do it.

It’s spacious and pretty and new. Gots me my own computer, my own printer and my own fax. I just made an enormous office order for all the essentials which includes ridiculous things like: aquatic color Post-its, pens, pencils, scissors, markers, paper trays, clippies to hang pictures with, etc. I personally think these things will make me more motivated to get up and go to work in the morning.

It was my boss’ birthday yesterday. He received at least six Starbucks gift cards in the mail from random former co-workers at corporate and he gave them all to me! I bought him a case of beer.

Family:

Every time I call my parents it seems like my mom just wants to argue with me about anything that can be argued about.

I think my parents have visited my website twice in the year and few months that I’ve had it. My mom decides randomly to take a peek at the ole' Gooseberried last week to find one entry about drunk driving and another about vomiting in my sleep due to alcohol. That was an exciting discussion. What charming luck I have.

Friends:

Couldn’t be better. There are many and they are all rad. I also want to say thanks to all of you who either commented or called me with personal financial advice to help kick off my journey to save more money more quickly.

Puppies:

They’ve opened their eyes! They walk! They play! (Bowie is the best of them all.)

Love:

Coming soon.. (maybe)