Yesterday, I went on a hike with Sera just like we do every Sunday and Thursday. However, yesterday we decided to run the hike instead of hiking the hike. It was on a fairly easy hiking trail, but running it made me feel like someone was kicking me in the stomach every fifteen minutes. There were a few points where we both had to stop and walk, especially at this really deep incline where hiking it was hard enough. We're coming back to this hike in the future to run up and down that incline even if it does end up killing us. Outlook very good.
Then we got back into town and decided to tan for half an hour on my roof. All in all that day, I spent about seven hours outside in the sun. That alone made me exhausted and ready for bed by 9 P.M.
My wish would not come true though. 6-6 and I got into it until about three in the morning and it was no bueno. First of all, staying up until 3 A.M. when I had to wake up two hours later for work was a bad idea. And the fight itself was awful.
6-6 and I started talking and hanging out again after Sera and I saw him the other night out at a bar. He was headed straight toward us, but as soon as I noticed that he wasn't going to see us, I tapped him on the shoulder and took the nice approach. He was surprised to see us and we all had a friendly and short conversation. He texted me later and thanked me for going out of my way to say "hi". Since then, we've hung out here and there and things seemed to be going fine just as friends.
What I didn't know though, was that deep down I was still pissed off. Without even thinking about it, I started saying mean and spiteful things almost as if I couldn't control myself. But I didn't care because I wanted him to hurt too. When he asked me what my problem was, I told him it exactly. The fact that he still hadn't apologized pissed me off. The fact that he had expected me to just get over it by the next day hurt and the fact that he didn't try to contact me to figure things out made me mad too.
After hours of a back and forth nothing, he finally apologized. And when I asked him why it had to happen the way it did, he explained it all to me and I finally got it. That night a month ago he was scared and went overboard to end it. And regrets it. It all feels so stupid especially now that I know he really did have sincere feelings for me. After all that, I went to bed. I woke up this morning and called in sick to work and I literally slept all day long. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I feel sick and sad.
He holds something over me and I hate it. It's like I keep clinging to something that isn't really there like it used to be. We've both changed and I'm not sure we're compatible as friends anymore. Then again, maybe I just need to have a little patience. But there is a point when you can hang on to something for too long and end up extremely disappointed. I don't know if I should just give up and decide that this just isn't working. Or if this is our starting over point.
All I know is, I love that kid. And I really don't want to anymore.
